Cancer patients often are hesitant to talk to family members and family members about their cancer experience during the holidays.Facing this awkward social situation may help the patient in the long run.

How are you feeling?

Finding out you have cancer can be overwhelming, not only for you, but also for your friends and relatives. People often don’t know what to say. They may feel sad and uncomfortable and may be afraid of upsetting you. They might be frightened about the possibility of losing you. Sometimes people find it easier to say nothing because they’re afraid of saying the wrong thing. Some people find it easy to talk, while others may become overly careful or act too cheerful.

Sometimes just being with a person can be more meaningful than anything that might be said. Here, we offer some suggestions to help you, your friends, and family talk about cancer, so that you can feel more at ease when facing it together.

It’s normal to wonder, “Why me?” or to feel sad, angry, or afraid. You will most likely have many different emotions as you learn more about your diagnosis and begin to learn about treatment options. Physical and chemical changes related to treatment or to the illness itself can also affect your emotions. The first step is to admit to yourself how you feel. It’s OK to allow yourself to feel the way you do.

Only you can decide when to talk to your friends and family about having cancer. Most people need and want to talk to someone when they find themselves in this kind of situation. Sometimes, telling those closest to you helps you to begin taking in the reality of what’s happening. Some people find that by talking, they begin to solve problems and think about other issues as their family and friends ask questions. As you talk with others, you may want to write down the questions that come up so that you can discuss them with your cancer care team.

It helps to start by making a list of people that you want to talk to in person. Then you can make another list of less close friends that another friend or family member may contact with the news.

How to talk to others

Think about how much you want to share. You may want to explain what kind of cancer you have, which treatments you might need, and what your outlook (or prognosis) is. People are very sobered by the news that someone has cancer. You may want to reassure them that you will do whatever it takes to fight the cancer and would like their support and encouragement.

People usually tell their spouse or partner first, then other family and close friends. It’s also important to tell your children, which might require more preparation depending on their ages. (For more on this, see Helping Children When a Family Member Has Cancer: Dealing With Diagnosis.) Co-workers and acquaintances often find out later, although sometimes you’ll need to tell a supervisor or Human Resources staff that you have a medical problem if you must take time off from your job. All of these situations require different levels of information.

In dealing with family and friends, it’s common for people to have many questions about the cancer and how it’s treated. It can be OK to explain all this to 1 or 2 close friends, but it may get tiring to tell a lot of people this much detail over and over again. You can always suggest that they call or visit our website to learn more for themselves, or to find out how they can best help you.

“I said I was going to get cards printed up saying what kind of cancer I had and what treatment I needed. I know people cared, but I got sick and tired of repeating the same story every time someone asked…” –Van, age 26

Think about your ‘‘trigger points” or topics that are too sensitive for you to talk about yet. Do you get angry when people question your choice of treatments? Maybe this is a topic you’ll have to avoid. Does it annoy you when people bring their religion into it, saying things like, “God never gives you more than you can handle?” Think about the things that people have said or could say that bother you. Then, plan a response that’s comfortable for you and cuts off the conversation. And once you’ve shared what you wish to share, be prepared to change to another topic. Maybe you can say something like “I really get tired of talking about cancer. Let’s talk about something else.”